


so let go of my hand

by iuwui



Category: NCT
Genre: Angst, Broken Hearteu, Didn’t proofread we die like men, Enemies and Lovers, Hatred, I literally cannot tag don’t at me, M/M, Memory Loss, One shit, Please Don’t Hate Me, Self-Harm, Softly cries, Soulmates, i suck at conveying human emotions lmao, inspired by that one tumblr post, life contemplation, oh yeah, tOOK ME FOUR HOURS TO WRITE LOVE ME AND MY TWENTY PAGE ONE-SHIT, taeten - Freeform, wrote this instead of sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 03:55:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21206981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iuwui/pseuds/iuwui
Summary: In a world where you have your soulmate and mortal enemy’s name tattooed on your wrist, and you’re not sure which is which. Ten’s, however, is Lee Taeyong. And only Lee Taeyong. With past mistakes and inner demons, and a ticking clock, how will he ever tell him how he feels?Inspired by that One Tumblr Post I Saw.But how am I supposed to love youWhen I don't love who I am?And how can I give you all of meWhen I'm only half a man?'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burningSo let go of my hand





	so let go of my hand

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: There are references to self-harm, eating disorders, past trauma, angst, and depression. It’s a lot to handle, and I’m sorry. It’s a bit of an explosion of angst because this sister doesn’t know what moderation is. Obviously, this can’t express the full harm of any of this, because it’s mostly based off my experiences. PLEASE, PLEASE, don’t read if you are sensitive to any of this. 
> 
> 1-800-273-8255 is the national suicide hotline prevention for the U.S.A. 
> 
> Now that the important-not-really-necessary-legal-things are over, some songs are “hate u, love u” by Olivia O’Brian, “Never Not” by Lauv, “Half a Man” by Dean Lewis, and little bit of “All of Me” by John Legend, but that one’s really not it. Really, my song recommendations are usually trash, so… take it all with a grain of salt. Just pull up the angstiest song on your playlist (like, the GO-TO cry song) and prepare to read my inability to convey human emotions. yEAH.
> 
> 05-10-2020: OH BOY I AM SO SORRY HYPEY THIS IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE UNGIFTING THIS RIGHT NOW

_Do you fall in love with someone who hates you?_

_ Could you fall in love with someone who hates you?_

For Ten, the answer is yes, every time, all over again.

He’s two names on his wrists- one of his mortal enemy, one of his soulmate.

And in a cruel twist of fate, those names are one and the same.

_ Can you fall in love with someone who you trust with all your secrets and then uses them against you?_

_ Someone who is with you one day and then forgets you?_

_ Falling asleep, wrapped in their arms, and waking up to an empty bed?_

When you think about it… what is love?

_ Of course, everyone has their own definition. _

Love, to Ten, is perseverance, staying, falling for him over and over and over again.

_ Even if he never loves him back. _

  
~♥︎~  


When he woke up that morning, he knew, deep-down, Taeyong was gone already. The blankets on his side were crisp and tidy, and there was no sign of the other boy.

Ten sat up, and hugged himself tightly. Waking up every morning to nothing, even when he could’ve sworn Taeyong was there just last night; tugging on his hair and pressing close, whispering drunken promises with his rose-scented breath, promises made to be broken.

He had been there last night.

Ten knew he had been there last night. The scent of his cologne was still present, hanging in the air.

He padded softly across the room, and headed to his bathroom, the double vanity setup glaringly sparse in the bright sun.

His bare feet touched the marble, and he hissed slightly, wincing at the cold feeling.

Ten splashed water in his face, and quickly ran a comb through his hair. He pulled on another white dress shirt, and black slacks. He counted his silver rings, and put them on, one by one. He bought in one every time Taeyong left him, which meant that he would be adding another ring to his collection today. Heading down his stairs, he reflected on his wealth.

Fucking useless.

He would’ve given up everything, if he could just have Taeyong to be there in the morning with him.

Which is why he did a double take when he saw Taeyong at his counter, sipping a cup of coffee and flipping through the newspaper.

“Good morning!” he said, cheerfully.

“What the-”

“I’m Lee Taeyong.”

“I know. Do you know who I am?”

An expression of confusion crossed his face. “Am I supposed to?”

“Taeyong, are you sure you don’t remember anything?”

“I remember going out yesterday. I think there was a bar of some sort-”

Ten let out a hacking cough. Bar? Try high-end strip club.

“Are you okay?”

Ten put a hand over his throat and waved at Taeyong to continue with the other.

“I just remember drinking and waking up in a stranger’s bed. Did I… like, do something really stupid?”

Wow, this was messed up. At least it was obvious Taeyong had suffered severe memory loss.

“No. I brought you back ho- here.”

“That wasn’t necessary, you know.”

“It kind of was, you know.”

“Do you have any clue where I can find my soulmate?”

“What’s his name?”

“Jung. Jung Yoon Oh.”

Ten harshly sucked in a breath. 

_ Did he know Jaehyun? _

“Yes. Yes, I know him.”

“Could you take me to him?”

Ten quickly dodged the question with another question. “Have you eaten yet?”

“No, but I cooked something. I’m not sure if it’ll be done or not.”

Taeyong leapt up and checked a pan on the stove. He carefully lifted the lid, and a cloud of steam rose.

“Oh, that’s perfect!” he exclaimed, giddily looking at Ten.

“Since when can you cook?”

“My ex-roommate, Yuta. That is, he can’t. One of us had to learn, or else we would have starved.”

When Ten reflected on this, he realized how little he really knew about Taeyong. Old Taeyong was something to pursue. New Taeyong was an innocent muffin that probably baked cupcakes for church bake sales on the weekends.

Or maybe Ten had just been blind to all the different personalities of Taeyong.

Ten smiled softly and straightened his sleeve. “When you’re done eating, we can go out. Jaehyun’s probably working right now.”

_ One last day._

“Aren’t you going to eat, too?” Taeyong brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes, and carefully plated the jiggly pancake on top of the other, next to a careful arrangement of strawberries and blackberries.

“It’s okay. I’m not hungry. I just want some milk.”

“You have to eat something, Ten.”

Ten blinked. _ Had he told Taeyong his name? _

“...Ten?”

“Taeyong. How do you know?-”

“I had a feeling. And, well, the whole tattoo on my wrist.” Taeyong was pouring two glasses of milk, and Ten watched his steady hand pour the same amount in each glass.

“Then how do you know I’m not your soulmate?”

“Because I woke up, next to a stranger, and I had the overwhelming urge to strangle you.”

*insert blinking white guy meme*

“Oh...kay. Should I be afraid?”

“Maybe a little bit. I’ve gotten better at controlling it, though. Pancake?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Aw, please?” Taeyong pleaded, pouting slightly.

“How do I know you didn’t poison it?”

“Pfft, I’m the one who woke up in an unfamiliar place, without any recollection of who you are, and you think I’m the one who’s going to poison you?”

“In retrospect, it seems stupid.”

“Here, I’ll prove it.”

Taeyong took a fork, and cut off a piece of pancake, along with a piece of blackberry.

He chewed, and swallowed. “The blackberries are on’t like fruit.”

“Come on, Ten.”

Taeyong meticulously cut off another piece, and placed a slice of strawberry on top.

“One bite.” The fork hovered near Ten’s face.

Ten cautiously opened his mouth, and bit off the tiniest piece of pancake. The pancake itself was soft, fluffy, and the perfect balance between savory and sweet. He usually didn’t like pancakes because of the butter, but he could barely detect grease. “That’s… that’s really good.”

“I’m not moving until you eat the entire thing.”

“No. Not the fruit.”

“Including the fruit.”

Ten glared. 

Taeyong glared back.

He sighed, leaned forward, looked directly at Taeyong, and chewed. The pancake tasted the same, but the strawberry- it started off tart, and then turned sweet. There were pockets of air in the center, and then hundreds of little seeds running over his tongue. The skin was firm, the inside was chewy, almost mushy. The juice coated his tongue, and he swallowed.

“Nope. Still don’t like fruit.” He reached for the milk and took a large swig. Milk was safer than plant ovaries.

“How are you not dead yet?”

“A constant question I ask myself every day.”

Taeyong shook his head, and blew an errant strand of hair out of his face. 

“You- I don’t even know what to say.

“Well, we have nine hours before you can go to Jaehyun’s.”

Only nine more hours.

“Where do you want to go?”

“There’s the Han River.”

“We can walk there.”

Time was ticking down.

~♥︎~

  
Ten put on his coat, and gave Taeyong one.

“Oh, it fits perfectly!”

_ Because it was made for you, _ Ten thought, before brushing it off with a grin.

“Yeah, it’s… convenient. Shall we go?”

They passed the doorman as they exited, and Ten gave him a curt nod. 

The walk to the river was short, and the fall leaves swirled down around them in a flurry of color. People pointed at Ten and Taeyong, and one girl that Taeyong saw and waved at deadass stumbled backwards into the arms of her friend.

They walked alongside the path, passing joggers and bicyclists and businessmen- all sort of people, all in their own little world.

Taeyong stopped at an area that wasn’t as occupied, and leaned against the fence.

“It’s always interesting to see this. It’s just a fence. There’s really nothing stopping anyone from hurling themselves in.”

“I suppose that’s true. I’d think that most people would have a better sense of self-preservation.”

“No matter what the brain wants, the body wants to survive,” Taeyong commented off-handedly.

“The river continues running, the people continue passing. Your death or life doesn’t matter, either way.”

Taeyong pondered that for a second, before responded. “It may not matter in the long run, in the big picture, but in a smaller group, it would be devastating. I think there’s always a reason to keep on living.”

Ten joined Taeyong at the post, watching the water move.

“What’s your reason?”

“The people I love,” Taeyong replied, without a moment’s hesitation.

They stood there for a while, side by side, staring at the river. The cold air nipped at Ten’s cheeks, and whistled through his hair.

Eight hours.

~♥︎~

Taeyong’s nose was pink.

“Do we want to move on?”

“Where to?”

“I think we should get you a new change of clothes. You shouldn’t return to Jaehyun with a ripped shirt, smelling like alcohol.”

“A valid point, Mr. Leechaiyapornkul.”

“Never call me that again.”

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a bit far. Do you still want to walk?”

“Of course.”

Seven hours.

~♥︎~

They continued walking, crossing the road at some point. Taeyong was humming something under his breath, and Ten listened to the soft melody, before adding a harmony. Suddenly, Taeyong stopped, and rubbed his neck self-consciously as he looked down at Ten.

“Why did you stop? You have a beautiful voice.”

“I sound stupid.”

“That’s not true.”

Ten tapped Taeyong’s chest lightly. “You’ve got heart.”

“I’m older than you.”

“I’m wiser than you.” Ten countered, laughing.

When they finally arrived at the department store, which was six stories of pure luxury, Taeyong viciously shook his head. “That’s all too expensive. I can’t wear any of that!”

“Think of it as a thanks for cooking for me.”

“I couldn’t.”

“It’s a gift, Lee Taeyong. It’s rude to refuse a gift.”

Ten dragged Taeyong into the shop, where the woman welcomed them graciously. “Mr. Lee! Back again? There are the newest shipments of haute couture from London, we can show you those-”

“-I’m actually here for an outfit for my friend.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Haechan!”

A boy with streaks in his hair and a mischievous half-smile appeared. “Ooh, okay. We can definitely throw together some things for you. Is it more of a casual or business kind of thing?”

“Casual. Definitely casual.” Taeyong answered, a concerned expression on his face. 

“Let’s go. This way.” Haechan shepherded them past a row of formalwear, and sat them down at a waiting room. “I’ll go find some pieces, feel free to browse yourself, if you see anything that interests you, tell me.”

He left in a whirl, and Taeyong sat down, the human embodiment of extreme confusion.

Haechan returned, arms piled with sweaters.

“Okay, you guys can look through that. Does he need new shoes, too?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“What are you doing?” Taeyong hissed quietly. “I can’t accept all of this!”

“You can just choose one outfit, and then one or two of your favorite pieces.”

Haechan was carrying multiple coats, all of different styles, and had several pairs of jeans slung over his arms.

“It’s all coming together. I’ll go find a dress shirt. Wait, what’s your shoe size?”

“265 cm? About?”

“Okay, that works. Accessories?”

“Silver earrings,” Ten said, giving Taeyong a sly little grin.  
  


~♥︎~

“Oh my god, I don’t want to come out.”

“Come on, Taeyong. We don’t have all day.”

The door unlocked, and Taeyong stepped out, looking extremely uncomfortable. The light blue jeans were ripped, and the cream colored turtleneck was Ten’s new religion. The trench coat hung open, and he wore thick soled sneakers.

The silver hoop was in his right ear. Taeyong’s face was expressionless, and he looked like a model.

Haechan clasped his hands together, clearly proud of himself. “You see that? That is the magic of a hot dude and my fashion skills.” 

“Does the sweater have to be cropped?” Taeyong asked, tugging slightly on the bottom.

“Yes, obviously.”

“Thank you, Haechan.” Ten said.

“Of course! Come again!” 

Ten and Taeyong made their way back to the entrance, the latter fiddling with the cuff of his coat.

“Are you hungry?”

“Not really. Are we just going to leave?”

“It’s all linked directly to my account. It was paid for as soon as you chose it.”

“This is too much, Ten.”

“It’s all for Jaehyun, it’s fine. If you aren’t hungry, we can just find a place for something to drink.”

“Hot chocolate?”

Ten looked down at his watch.

Only five hours left.

~♥︎~

They stopped in the first cafe they saw, which advertised “The Best Hot Chocolate East of the Han River”. Ten ordered two hot chocolates, which were topped with entire scoops of blow torched marshmallows.

As he sat down in a booth across from Taeyong and took a bite of the toasted marshmallow, he decided that there was only one legitimate way to have hot chocolate. The marshmallow was sweet and fluffy, the hot chocolate was rich and velvety.

Taeyong sipped, and his eyes widened. “That’s amazing.”

Ten didn’t answer, busy trying to describe the flavors to himself so he could remember it.

Taeyong continued drinking, taking small sips that lit up his face every time.

Ten continued pretending he was drinking, but mostly put his mouth to the cup and held it there for a second. Watching Taeyong was more than enough for him.

Another snapshot, another memory of his last hours.

“I’m done. Are you?”

“Yeah, I’m full.” Ten replied, glancing down at his cup. It still had three-quarters of the hot chocolate in it, and he could already here the other voice chastening him.

_ Look at the sugar, you fat fuck. What was that? When was the last time you had sugar? You probably just ruined it all. No wonder nobody loves you. Imagine being a pig. And so wasteful, too. There are people dying on the streets. You would be one, too, if your family didn’t feel sorry for you._

Brittani with an “i”, as Ten liked to call the voice that resided in his head, made no sense whatsoever, but somehow managed to dig into all his fears and cut clean through him. 

_ Of course. I’m literally you._

“Could we visit the Yamaha store?”

“Do you want a grand piano?” Ten teased gently, standing up.

“N-no!” Taeyong turned to Ten, face slightly panicked. “It’s nothing like that!”

“I know. I’m joking.”

Taeyong took Ten’s hand, and pulled him out the door. “I know the way from here, I think.”

Ten froze. Could Taeyong feel how thin his wrist was?

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Lead the way.”

Taeyong held his hand the entire time.

Four hours.

~♥︎~

They reached the store, and Taeyong spent a solid thirty minutes at the keyboards. He played the guitar, tuned every ukulele, asked to see the violins. He looked at every little thing, occasionally looking up at Ten, but mostly lost in his own world. He stayed near the recording devices, and stepped into one of the studios and adjusted the soundboard.

“Taeyong, do you want a recording studio?”

“I’ve always wanted one,” Taeyong replied wistfully, resting his hand on the soundboard. “I’ve dreamed of creating original songs since I was young. I’ve just never been able to afford one.”

Ten took a mental note.

His phone rang, and he saw the Caller ID. Jung Jaehyun.

“Hello?”

“Ten, do you know where Taeyong is?” Jaehyun asked briskly.

“Why do you need to know?”

“A little birdie told me he left with you last night. He needs to be back.”

Ten scoffed. “Taeyong isn’t just a possession of yours. He’s a human being.”

“Look, you blew your chances with him years ago. Little Ten, never telling the boy he loved anything. Your inability to communicate hurt them. Poor you.”

“Jaehyun, this has nothing to do with anything. My past doesn’t define me.”

Jaehyun laughed, a low and husky laugh that reminded Ten of college, bold glances and daytime rivalries, and night after night of sneaking out to do whatever they felt like doing.

“Keep telling yourself that, Chittaphon. He gave up on you. We all gave up on you.”

“I’m trying to change. It’s none of your business.”

“You know where I live. He needs to be back before six.” Ten heard the familiar beep of the other caller hanging up, and he rolled his eyes in disgust.

“Hey, Taeyong?”

“Yes?”

“You’ve got to get back to Jaehyun.”

Taeyong sighed.

“Do you want me to call a cab?”

“Can we walk?”

“Of course.”

Time had been cut short.

One hour. 

~♥︎~

Ten wanted nothing more than to just kiss him.

Stupid. 

He was so stupid.

Falling in love again, with the same boy who had broken his heart all those years ago.

Ten brushed his hand against Taeyong’s slightly without realizing, and Taeyong snatched his hand away.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. That was stupid. Especially because of you and Jaehyun.” He tried to sound good-natured, but it was hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“Ten, Jaehyun loves me. It’s just… complicated. I have a feeling- no, I know -that you hurt me before, and Jaehyun protects the people he loves by being overly aggressive. I know it’s messed up. I love him, too. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You should be with me.” Ten whispered.

“I can’t.”

“Please, Taeyong.”

Ten didn’t know what he was even pleading for. The sky was darkening, and all other pedestrians were long gone.

Ten did something at the spur of a moment that he knew he would regret for the rest of his life.

He moved closer, and looped his arms around Taeyong’s neck. 

He stood on his tiptoes.

Taeyong was frozen.

He rested his forehead against Taeyong’s, and breathed out, “If you want to, you can move.”

Taeyong didn’t.

When he kissed him, it felt deathly wrong.

Every molecule in his body screamed to _ stop it, stop it right now._

He argued that he was dying anyways, and deepened the kiss.

Taeyong relaxed, and then he was kissing Ten back, and it was the best and the worst thing that had ever happened to him. 

If he hadn’t kissed him back, Ten would’ve gone home right then.

But he did.

It felt like being electrocuted and revived at the same time, little shocks running through his body, where Taeyong was the only other person in there and the only thing that mattered.

Ten was desperately clinging onto him, the last thing anchoring him to the world.

With a jolt, he realized he was crying.

He broke away, and Taeyong stared at him in shock.

“I’m sorry.”

Taeyong gently wiped away a tear, and tucked a piece of hair behind Ten’s ear.

“In another world, we would’ve been together.”

Ten nodded, numb.

“We’re close to Jaehyun’s apartment.”

His hand hung limply at his side, and Taeyong took it. 

“It’ll get better, Ten. I swear to you.”

Before they entered the building, Ten saw Jaehyun pacing around the lobby.

“...Thank you,” Taeyong finally said, still holding his hand. “Thank you for everything.”

Ten nodded. “I love you.”

“Goodbye, Ten.”

Taeyong stepped through the revolving door, spared him one final glance, and then Ten saw him embrace Jaehyun.

That, for some reason, was what finally broke him.

Zero hours left.

~♥︎~

He pulled out his phone, and dialed up the bank.

“Hello? Yes, I’d like to transfer all my money in Lee Taeyong’s account. Under one condition: he starts a recording studio.”

After talking and reassuring the woman he was, indeed, perfectly sane, he hung up and headed back home, walking alongside the Han River.

When he reached the place where he and Taeyong had held their conversation that morning, he considered what Taeyong had said earlier. “I think there’s always a reason to keep on living.” 

Taeyong was his reason.

He removed his rings, one by one, and put them all in the left pocket of his coat. He took off his coat, too, folding it neatly and putting it on the ground. He slipped off his shoes, left first, then right, and unfolded his death note.

He rolled up his sleeves, and counted all his scars, all twenty-one reasons he wanted to die.

Scarring. 

Starving. 

Sobbing.

All desperate attempts to regain control of his life, after he had ruined it all those years ago

Did it work?

No.

He gracefully swung over the fence, stood on the edge, and fell.

~♡~

When Taeyong woke up the next morning, he was holding onto Jaehyun.

The clock read 5:45 am. “Good morning,” he murmured, kissing Jaehyun’s forehead.

“Mmm?”

“It’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

Taeyong got up, and headed into the living room. Jaehyun usually prepped all of his meals, and as he checked the fridge, he smiled at the containers, labeled neatly.

He took an apple, washed it, and turned on the television. He was flipping through the channel when something caught his eye. 

A body of a person, found in the Han River.

He covered his mouth.  
No, it couldn’t be. 

It wasn’t Ten.

The newscaster straightened her papers and cleared her throat. “This just in. The body of the heir of the famous Leechaiyapornkul Design Company was found on the banks of the Han River.”

Taeyong sat down on the couch with an audible thump. “Police are saying it’s suicide. Thirteen silver rings were found in his pocket. The death note reads, ‘Tell him I’m sorry.’”

Taeyong closed his eyes.

How had this happened? 

“His family is holding his funeral this Tuesday. People are asked to bring a memory of him.”

Taeyong shut off the television, still trying to process what had happened.

He checked his phone, desperate to find more information. The first thing he noticed, however, was a new email.

_ Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul willed you all of his earthly possessions, and emptied his bank account into yours. He specifically stated you were to first start a recording studio with the money, and then have access to everything. Please come in at your earliest convenience. _

_ Regards, Kim Doyoung _

Taeyong reread the email.

It couldn’t be true.

“No, no, no.”

_ What had his last words to Ten been? ‘Good-bye?’ _

“No, no, what have I done? What did I do?!”

He lept up from the couch, catching himself on the side of Jaehyun’s coffee table.

“Oh my god. Ten. Ten, I’m so sorry.”

The windows in Jaehyun’s living room overlooked the Han River

It felt like a twisted joke.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you.”

But it was too late.

~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far. ♥︎


End file.
